by L. Herdman

In 2006, I approached my Pastor and shared with him that I felt that there was something missing between God and I and I wasn’t sure what it was. I asked if we could meet. He answered, “Sure, no problem.” And we had set up a date and a time. I am a very visual person and so before meeting with him, I had made a timeline of my life. I wanted to give him a clear picture and help him to understand better possibly what was hindering my relationship with God.  We met in his office in the basement of his home “one-on-one” (never put yourself in this situation). In the meeting, he said something that was like, “You have created a lot of walls and have made your own world and I am going to help you tear them down.”  This began our journey of a two-year counseling relationship. During this time, he helped my family and I find a house closer to town.  He and his wife also had moved to another location, to the property that was donated to the church to build a future building.

My husband and I have always been involved and faithful to the church we attended. My Pastor had an amazing personality. I truly felt he and I were a lot alike in our passion about ministry. I really had started to feel like, “Wow, God is once again giving me a spiritual father figure in my life”. Each time we met for counseling, we met “one-on-one.” I really felt like I was drawing closer and closer to God as I felt healing taking place. I had written him a lot of emails, like a journal, in between our counseling sessions. It felt good just knowing someone was on the other end even though he wasn’t one that wrote back, that was fine. I really truly believed that my Pastor had good intentions. Why would I think otherwise?

As time went on, I knew “counseling” had to stop sometime, so I kind of made a pact with God that when “My Pastor hugs me like a spiritual father” then I will know I am healed and everything is complete. Well, one day this happened.  And that is where it should have stopped. The counseling did stop. But then we began to move into another phase of this journey: talking about ministry and doing evangelism together.

Removal of the Desk

We began walking in the city together, to talk to people and invite them to church. I had counseled with my Pastor for two years. He had shared personal things about his life during counseling and continued to tell me more about his life and background as we walked.  He shared with me how much he appreciated me and that he had removed the desk from between us. He shared how much he appreciated my husband and I. I shared how I always knew God had a call upon my life and how much I loved God.

I did not realize until recently that I had made my Pastor an idol in my life. And, he allowed it. He became my drug. I look back and try to process the last 7 years of my life and ask: “How did I get to this point of ‘fallen’, broken, shattered, feeling shamed?” I’m not sure I can share things in chronological order, but I’ll offer snapshots.

Abuse of Trust

I remember my pastor came over to our home a lot! I loved it! He was my “Spiritual dad.” We talked all the time. One day in my kitchen, he asked me a question: “Are you the one?” I asked him what he meant. He simply repeated the question, so I also asked him again, “What do you mean?”

He finally replied: “Well, I have been praying for someone for a long time to come and do ministry with me, be my friend and partner with me.” He just kept smiling and repeating, “Are you the one?” And then he stated with a smile, “I think you are.”

To be honest, I was very flattered by this and felt special. I knew God had a “call on my life” and never knew how I was going to get there.

My husband, Frank, and I had been caring for foster children for over 20 years. At that point we had taken on 4 little children, so getting out of the house was a nice and well-needed break. We were having difficulties with one of our oldest adopted kids and things were very stressful.

My Pastor and I had many conversations on the phone as well as exchanging texts. When I wouldn’t respond to him, he would text me, “What, no text?” Again, this was flattering. Soon our walks went from the city of evangelism to the parks and in the woods. I was a little heavier then and he said getting in shape by walking would be healthy for me. Our friendship grew. But, I only looked at him as a “spiritual father figure.” That was it. He was 20 years older than me. I was not attracted to him at all. I loved my husband. I had never felt tempted to have an affair or cheat on my husband. I loved God and I wanted to please God.

I remember the day my Pastor shared with me that it was ok with his wife if I would massage his shoulders. He said he had a friend who used to attend the church that massaged his back and cut his hair. He said his wife was ok with it because her fingers and hands were not strong enough.  He also told me that I had “so much beauty” in me and that beauty needed to be able to come out to love people and to help change people’s lives. On another occasion, he exclaimed: “Wow! The beauty I see, I cannot have,” as he compared it to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil in the garden of Eden when God told Adam and Eve not to touch or eat of the fruit. Yes, I was very flattered and felt a boost to my self-esteem, but still I did not have any feelings for him beyond that of a “spiritual father figure.”

More and more time was spent on the phone and texting and hanging out at the church. He would tell me no one knew him like I did and no one knew me like he did. He told me that God told him to love me unconditionally, and he “wasn’t quite sure what that meant.” He said that God has brought us together as a team and he doesn’t understand it. “I don’t know what God was thinking because I’m a man and you’re a woman.” And then quickly added that in the Spirit there is not male or female.”

Satan’s Illusion

One day on a walk, he said, “I know you care for me.”

I replied, “Yes, I do, as a father figure.” Then he said, “I know you care for me more than a ‘father figure’,” he insisted. I replied “Um no, I don’t.” I left the conversation feeling uncomfortable around him for the first time.

Soon after that, while we were walking one day, he stated matter of factly, “You want more from me. Don’t you?” I felt like I was repeating myself: “Um, no. What are you talking about?” I remember feeling embarrassed and even more uncomfortable.

He said: “You want to kiss me don’t you? “I was thinking to myself, “No.” I was not attracted to him and he was so much older than me.  But for some reason, I couldn’t actually say no. I had an emotional attachment to him and didn’t want to disappoint him. He kissed me. This was the first physical line that was crossed. 

On the way home, I felt ok about it and I didn’t know why. I felt at peace. Usually when I do something wrong, I feel guilty. It was kind of like a “high” for me. I asked God, “God, is this okay?” It was like an egg was broken over my head, as if like the anointing of God and I heard a scripture that said, “I have become all things to all people so I might win them.” I was like, “Oh my, is this a sign that it’s okay?” It was like my Pastor was “all things to me” and that God would love me individually through this man. It was like, “The rules didn’t apply to me,” and I felt like God’s only child.

My Pastor was very open in continuing the questions to lead me more into an even closer, more intimate relationship with him. It’s embarrassing to share what those questions were. He had made me many promises. He said that he would never leave me. He said that only I could fulfill all of his needs in friendship. He said that he couldn’t talk to anyone else but me, and that no one understood him but me.

During our relationship, even though I didn’t feel guilty, I was afraid to die because I knew that if anything would keep me from heaven, it would be adultery.

Spiritual Abuse

This is interesting to me: not being with him anymore, I feel like I got out of a cult, a one man cult. I encourage anyone to study “Spiritual Abuse” and “Toxic Churches.”  If you feel you are being controlled and then shamed for not “doing what you’re supposed to do,” if you feel like you cannot approach your pastor or leader and ask questions without him getting angry, if your pastor or leader is accused of “micromanaging” everything, or not allowing people to say no to him, these are all red flags.

I did have a lot of confusion, and in my times of confusion, my Pastor’s responses to me included: “I’m not sure what God is doing either, I just know that God told me to love you unconditionally,” “I know God brought us together and we are a couple but our relationship is not like the world’s because we are not planning on leaving our families.”

My Pastor and I fought a lot. He wanted me to do only what he wanted me to do. He was the pastor and I respected that but I am also independent in ways and he appeared not to like that very much. As time passed, I realized how controlling he really was. I wish I would have had enough strength and courage to talk to my bishop and my husband and expose this dark secret, but I was afraid to lose everything. I did reach out to set up appointments with my bishop, other pastors, but I never followed through.

My Pastor and I were in a relationship for a long time. I count back seven years because that is when the desk was removed, the grooming began and verbal lines were crossed. I have cried more in seven years than I think I ever will in a lifetime.

Our Pastor had taken my husband and I “under his wing” to help us to be credentialed with the Brethren in Christ Denomination. It was only in the last two years of the seven that we had our local minister’s licenses and I was working toward my doctrinal questions to be ordained.

I realize now how blinded and deceived I was and how we truly have to be careful of the particular traits seen in predators. I realize now how important it is not to put anyone above God and to line everything up with the word of God.

Finally, one day after a very long time, I gave up and said, “Okay, fine! You are the pastor. Whatever you want me to do, I will do.” He said, “No! I will not function that way.” I was totally befuddled. To make matters worse, he then accused me of not wanting to do anything in the church and at the same time he wouldn’t tell me specifically what he wanted me to do.

During these 7 years I became isolated from my family and friends. I had anxiety, depression, and Post-Traumatic Stress. There were other contributing factors to my suffering, such as several crises in our family. Finally, I couldn’t handle life anymore.  If I didn’t have a nervous breakdown, I came close. There is no longer a place in my home that I can look at that he hasn’t touched or helped fix or remodel. Yes! He was there. He “helped” me a lot! I had created my own little world and my “spiritual leader,” “spiritual authority figure” allowed it. I trusted him. One lawyer told me that this was definitely an abuse of trust. The chief of police said that while this is not a crime, it is domestic violence and he sees it all the time — power, grooming, victimization. I have often wondered if there were others. I had been warned by several people in the beginning to be careful of him. He always told me over and over to “Trust Him!”

Ungodly Soul Ties

The only way I could think it would be ok with God was if we were to be married. I remember well how I justified it in my own mind: we had “a spiritual marriage.” What’s a piece of paper right? When God brings two people together there is a bond. Yes, there’s a bond! It’s called a soul tie. And these soul ties are very dangerous and deadly when they are outside of a covenant. I encourage you to study about ungodly soul ties. If you are in an ungodly relationship and you feel like there is no way out, this is a lie from the pit of hell!

We were in contact with each other every day, all day long. So many times I wanted to break it off. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I think I didn’t leave my husband because I was deceived into believing God had given two men that loved me.

I asked him if he would just let my husband and I go to another church because he could not expect us to “break it off” and me stay there. His firm response was, “No, what would the people think? I have promoted you and your husband as interns!”  I had been made Pastor of Evangelism and my husband, Pastor of Youth. The positions that we were in were volunteer positions. They were also just pretty much a title. There was nothing much happening. I believed a lie that the only way to get where God wanted us to be in ministry was through my pastor. So often he told me that no one ever saw the potential in me as he did.

While I thought I was gaining my identity, I was, in fact, losing my identity. I felt my only freedom would come if he were to pass away. At the same time, though, I didn’t want him to pass away. I just did not know how to make all this right without tearing my heart out. I tried to reach out by sharing with my worship leader who is the administrator of the church that I needed to leave the church because “this church was killing me.” I reached out to the bishop and wanted to set up a meeting because I wanted to possibly do my internship somewhere else but never followed through because I was afraid. I told my husband that I didn’t want to be at the church anymore and how much I had hated it. I shared how I felt trapped and controlled. I wanted to move. I wanted to go to a different church.  I cried all the time. I had so much hate and anger inside of me that I could not stand it anymore. I felt so much jealousy because I was the forbidden one. I was dying and screaming on the inside. The fights between my Pastor and I became wicked and the things I screamed at him became wicked and full of so much anger. I shouted: “All I just wanted was a spiritual father figure and you destroyed my life and I would have never gone there if you would have never opened the door!” Yet no matter how angry I got, I could never say no to him. I trusted him.

The Hard Fall/Reality

Three days before he went to our Bishop, I told him that I had a call into the Bishop. We fought continuously during those three days. Finally, I shut my phone off. I had started seeing signs before that of a nervous breakdown.

When I turned my phone back on, he called and told me I needed to tell my husband, that everything was out, that he had called the Bishop to come into town, and that the Bishop knew everything. I freaked! My world crashed. You might as well have told me that my child just got run over by a car. I thought I was going to lose everything! At the moment, I did not want to live anymore because the way I had to live was bondage. I had made him my idol and he became my drug. He allowed this relationship to happen. Yes, as I did. I was at a very vulnerable place in the beginning. The “honeymoon period” was short-lived. He would refer to himself as “man” and I was “woman” and chuckle. He played mind games with me. He was a masterful manipulator and I fell for it — I fell hard.

There are circumstances and details that I leave out of this story only to protect my loved ones. Yet those pieces fit perfectly in place for the whole picture to be seen. There are five things that this situation put me in: 1. I felt uncomfortable; 2. I couldn’t say no. 3. I kept a secret 4. I created an illusionary world; and 5. I was blinded by Satan.

The sad part is after all this happened, I heard people say, “But, I need him, I need him!” I told them, “Yes, and I needed him too.”

My Bishop said two things to me that I will never forget during my “withdrawal” from this man. He said, “When Jesus is all you have, you will realize Jesus is all you need.” The other one was, “If idols are falling, you can praise God for that!”

The Bishop and a church administrator called an emergency board meeting that day on August 28, 2015. (I was not at the board meeting. I had gone home with my family.) The board was informed what had happened. It was then announced the next Sunday morning that our Pastor would no longer be a pastor in the BIC church. My husband and I never went back. We began our own journey of healing with the support of those outside of the church except for two families and maybe one or two others, who have stuck by us with unconditional love.

Forgiveness/Grace

Forgiveness, wow! I had never really known the deeply felt impact of forgiveness, as when I received it so graciously from my family, friends, and special loved ones — especially my amazing husband, who held me through my grief and mourning of a relationship that should have never been. This relationship with my Pastor had nothing to do with love.

Freedom Wins/God’s Daughter

I have received two kinds of responses: Christ-like and non-Christ-like. What didn’t surprise me is even though my husband was the “innocent” party, there wasn’t hardly anyone who called him, texted him or even facebooked him to ask him how he was doing or just to say, “Hey, we are praying for you.” I had “Christian women” write me and tell me not to ever communicate with their husbands. They completely misunderstood. One “Christian woman” stopped talking to me because she was jealous that a family had taken me under their wing, prayed with me and helped me through one of the most difficult times in my life. Another woman claimed “Oops, I accidentally unfriended you on Facebook.” One woman told me, “Jesus loves you and no matter what, your sins are forgiven! I love you and I care and I’m always here for you …” and blah blah blah! Yet this very same woman got angry when another friend had sent me a song in the middle of my state of complete brokenness and shock and I put it on Facebook. She unfriended me and blocked me. I wrote her and asked for forgiveness if I had offended and asked her to please come and pray with me. I haven’t heard from her since. She could forgive me for “what happened” but not for a song I put on in total brokenness? Go figure! Unfortunately, I wasn’t surprised because of all we had been through over the years. At the same time God brought all this to light, He also brought to light something so heart wrenching about my daughter that when I tried to share with her, she said, “Yeah, it’s always about you.”

I am so grateful for the few who have stuck by our family. I have learned so much and have become stronger.

Shortly after all of this came out, my husband and I went back and visited our hometown where our daughters were born. We attended a Christian conference called “Heaven Came Down!” Wow! What an amazing experience with all of our friends. God had a message for me that weekend. During the very first worship service, a friend of mine came up to me and said, “God told me to hug His daughter and to tell you that He loves you very much and has never been disappointed in you.”  I gratefully received what she shared. It was comforting. She is a friend and she loves me.

Here’s the really cool part, though: the night before the last service, my husband and I were in the hotel lobby and one of the speakers came over to talk with us. All of a sudden, he leaned over my husband with his arms out. I was dumbfounded. I remember thinking: “He wants to hug ME?”  And he did just that. During the very last service I felt compelled to go over and get him and his wife and pull them aside with my husband. I asked, “You hugged me last night?” He responded, “Yes, God told me to hug His daughter.” They had to catch a plane, but before they left, he insisted he and his wife wanted to pray with Frank and me. The speaker leaned over, pulled me close and said, “God wants you to know that He loves you very much. He also wants you to know that He has never ever been disappointed in you.” I had received a special message that weekend.

I don’t need “Spiritual father figures” because I am “God’s daughter!”

On August 28th 2015 I fell into freedom. I fell hard and I was set free. My husband and I had surrounded ourselves with amazing men and women of God to pray for us, talk to us, and encourage and help us in our greatest time of need. We are so grateful and thankful for all the love and for those who can see through the eyes of Jesus.

Our Pastor thought he was the only one who could help us get where we needed to be. But this is not true. He did not know that our season at his church and that our personal experience with him has created its own ministry. Satan will not win and God will get all the glory for the victory won, the healing, and the restoration. My husband and I have a message for the churches, the “Christians”, the followers of Jesus, and a warning to beware of John 10:10 that says: Satan is real and wants to kill and destroy and shatter lives BUT God gives an abundant life to those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose. And, our ministry as we travel and share in word and testimony will be called, “Fallen to Freedom.”

The BIC Conference revoked both my Pastor’s and my credentials, thus putting as much blame on me as on him. This was also stated in a letter addressed to me. This shows me and those who stand against abuse (who have a voice) that the BIC Conference at this point does not understand the abuse of power. In some states it is against the law to have any kind of relations with a parishioner, or congregational member.

My husband and I will continue to trust God together for healing and restoration. God has already begun the process. The burden has been lifted. I’m seeing the truth for what it truly was while, at the same time, I have accepted my responsibility for my part. Now I can focus on what was broken in me and prevented me from being able to stand up and say, “No!” God makes ALL THINGS NEW.