“I was 11 years old. He was as old as my dad. And he took something from me, I didn’t even know that I had. So don’t tell me about decency. Don’t tell me about pride. Just give me something for my trouble, cause this time it’s not a free ride.” – Ani DiFranco
I’m a survivor of sexual, physical, and psychological violence.
No.
Wait.
Let me try that again.
My Mennonite uncle molested me, and Mennonite congregations and institutions play a role in his continued access to children and freedom to be a predator.
A Mennonite young man I grew up with raped me when I was intoxicated beyond coherence*, let alone consent, and the church plays a role in his continued lack of accountability.
A man I dated physically, psychologically, financially, and professionally abused me, and came very close to achieving his threat: “If you leave me, I will destroy you.”
That’s more accurate.
Let’s talk about part of the story with my uncle today, and the impossibility of getting your brain to move from perceiving someone as family and safe to perceiving them as a dangerous predator.
I’m not going to feed anyone’s desire to read the salacious details of molestation here today – sorry, not sorry to disappoint anyone looking for that. Instead, how about you just take my word for it and buck the convention of ignoring words that are uttered from the lips (or typed from the fingers) of someone with a female body.
Let’s get on the same page before I talk to you about my experiences. You are not my judge or my jury. It is not your right to find out every detail of my molestation, picture it in your mind, hear from the predator himself, decide if he seems predatory, or generally have any input on what happened to me.
Instead, your job is to listen to the wisdom and the lessons I am graciously offering to share with you from my experience. Sorry, still not sorry. Now pull up a chair, read my words, and feel grateful that I’m willing to get this personal with you. Then share what I’ve said with your children of all genders. That’s how we prevent violence together. Let’s roll.
There was a moment, a particular frozen moment I will never forget from the night my Mennonite uncle molested me. It is a moment many survivors I have spoken with also recount in various forms. It was the exact moment that the physical experience of being molested reached my brain, and the intense internal conflict began, that for me lasted for hours as my brain tried very hard not accept my physical bodily reality.
It went a little like this:
“Your uncle is touching you sexually.”
“What?! Ha! Nope. He’s my uncle. This input is not accepted, and will be ignored.”
“No, no, no, no, this is definitely happening.”
“Oh please, there is some kind of misunderstanding here. You are sleeping. This is a dream.”
“This is not a dream. This is happening.”
“What?! No, come on. This is somehow an accident.”
“Nope.”
“He’s asleep.”
“Nope.”
“You’re asleep.”
“You tried that one already.”
“He…does…um…not know that he is doing this? He thinks you’re his wife? He doesn’t mean it?”
“Nope, nope, nope. THIS IS HAPPENING.”
“Well…um…what? I mean…but what? How? What is the? How? Respond? HE IS YOUR UNCLE AND THIS IS NOT HAPPENING AND THAT IS FINAL.”
It was at about this point that I froze, or experienced what’s medically called dissociation. I was no longer mentally present in the physical space, and don’t remember a lot until later in the day, looking down at a freshly laundered shirt in my hand, and wondering why the day seemed to be unfolding so normally when MY UNCLE WAS A CHILD MOLESTOR AND EVERYTHING WAS WRONG WITH THE WORLD.
That moment has never left me. I’ve turned it over and over in my head. I have wondered if it could have been avoided somehow, if I could have moved through it more quickly. To be clear: this was not my fault, nor yours, those of you with similar experiences. The only reason sexual violence happens is because there is someone intent on perpetrating it in the room (or the church, or outside, or exists nearby). I did think through, though, what might’ve helped me with this cognitive dissonance, knowing that we live in a reality with predators aplenty.
And here are two of the things I’ve come up with.
- Children of all genders need to be taught that they are in charge of their bodies, and that they have every right to say, shout, scream “NO! Do not touch me there!” “Get away from me!” or just “AHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOO!” Practice sessions are great.This requires talking with children of all genders about their and other people’s penises, vulvas,vaginas, butts, chests, nipples early and often. Notwinkies and pee-paws,dingdongs and peepers. Children deserve to have correct names for their body parts, and not to have silly ones that teach them that these body parts are somehow too dangerous or shameful to be called by their true names. Penises, vulvas,vaginas, butts, chests, and nipples are notVoldemort, and they shall and must be named and acknowledged as parts of the bodies your kids live in and are in charge of.This is also as simple as teaching your child of any gender not to tickle their sibling when their sibling is saying no. It’s as simple as respecting your child’s request not to hug their aunt or grandfather. It’s as simple as reminding your child often, and often, and also often that we are all in charge of our own bodies. We brush our teeth. We nourish our bodies with food. We clothe our bodies. And we choose who, how, and when our bodies are touched, and we do not touch someone who is choosing not to be touched. And that it is 100% ok to get loud and uncouth in declaring that NO WE DO NOT WANT TO BE TOUCHED THERE, THEN, OR BY THAT PERSON.
- We talk openly with children of all genders about the possibility that a friend, or an uncle, or a teacher, or a babysitter, or a pastor, or an anyone might try to touch their penis,butt, vulva, vagina, chest, or nipples; or try to get a child to touch another’s penis,butt, vulva, vagina, chest, or nipples. Not in a BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID, THE WORLD IS TERRIFYING kind of way, but in a simple and true way.“Hey kiddo, you’re doing a great job of getting your body clean. Just a reminder that it’s your body, and you’re in charge of it. No one is allowed to touch your penis or yourbutt, or to take your clothes off, or to try to get you to touch their penis, or theirbutt, or their vagina, or vulva, or nipples, ok? If someone would try that, like a teacher, or a friend, or my brother, or your coach or anyone, let me know, and I’ll make sure they never do it again, ok?”There are kid’s books that you can find that do an ok, or some even a good job of helping you start having these convos.
I have a kiddo in my house who has had these chats with me, and I can assure you D does not live in constant terror that people will try to molest D. D does know it’s a possibility though, and D knows I’m comfortable saying and hearing these words and experiences.
I’m going to leave you with those two for now – partly because I know that some of you are sweating or in shock right now.
It’s time for the shame to end. It’s time for the silence around bodies and sex to end. It’s time for us as Mennonites to live into our peacemaking values and address these head-on.
I’ll be sharing more about responding to predators and listening to survivors later.
*Save your bullshit victim-blaming “you were drunk” nonsense for someone else. This bitch doesn’t have time for it.