Rachel Halder, founder of Our Stories Untold, holding a sign of gratefulness for your support in making this blog a success!

Two years ago today I chose to launch Our Stories Untold, a blog with the mission to collect stories of sexualized violence in the Mennonite Church, drawing awareness to this epidemic of violence that is happening all around us, to give a voice to the marginalized, and to bring spiritual healing to those who have been unfairly pushed out. Those around me did not necessarily accept this choice. This choice meant exposing myself in ways that I did not feel completely comfortable with. But most importantly, this choice was mine.

Choice. We all have it, even in the situations that feel choice-less. It’s extremely easy to take the victim mentality, to become the martyr of circumstance.

When I first began therapy in October 2011, I learned it was up to me to choose how I wanted to respond to my life, including my childhood abuse. Yes, “uncontrollable” things happened and continue to happen to me. Friendships end, not by my desire. Relationships change, not by my desire. People die, not by my desire. My parent’s sell the family home, not by my desire. But by claiming my choice in each of these circumstances, I become proactive in my life. I move from the passive place of letting life happen to me, to a more active role of asserting my intentions and deciding what it is that I want, and how I let life’s happenings alter my heart’s song.

Disclaimer: I want to be careful in what I say next, because I do not want to downplay abuse or healing in any way. I am speaking from my personal experience of healing, which we all go through at different rates and on various paths. My story is unique and it may be different from yours, and that is okay.

It is hard work accepting the choices others make without feeling victimized by them. I experienced a profound moment of movement a few years ago when I fully understood that when someone makes a choice that permanently changes my life, I could be in acceptance of that choice and choose to use it as a move towards power in the next part of my life. That is what I did with my abuse story. Rather than letting it dictate how I operated in the world, I chose to wear it proudly, to use it as an agent of change and restoration rather than something to hide from and be ashamed of. Every challenge that is brought on by a choice that is not mine can turn into a choice that is mine—that doesn’t mean I have to like it, but it does mean I can allow it to empower me rather than devastate me.

This week a list was published by The Mennonite, naming the most influential Mennonites according to the people who both read and submitted answers to Gordon Houser’s proposed question: “Who are the top ten most influential Mennonites living today?” My name appeared as one of the top nine people who had their name submitted more than twice. I was honestly shocked and surprised to see my name on that list. Though I have heard and realize that Our Stories Untold has a large influence on individual lives, I did not see this blog as having a large influence on the church as a whole.

Pinch Penny Wash-O-Mat, Taos, NM (photo by Rachel Halder)

When I first found out I had been named it took about a half hour for the tears to start flowing. I excused myself from folding sheets at Pinch Penny Wash-O-Mat to sit on a log in the grass outside and wept with the Goddess within me. For the first time in two years I actually felt the impact this blog has, and that impact washed over me in waves of grief, relief, and gratitude. I spoke to the Goddess, asking Her to continue guiding me, to be there within every decision I make, to use me as a vessel of hope and healing, to help me to remain centered and grounded in the work I do.

No more than 12 hours later I found myself crying again, this time tears of shame, embarrassment, and frustration. After reading numerous long-winded reasons why people were morally against The Mennonite’s list, I chose to take on guilt for even being named. I became embarrassed of the status I posted to Facebook pointing out that I had been named, and debated deleting it. From other’s disagreements with the list I decided I was unworthy of being on there. I am a cradle Mennonite, I am white, the poll was only for the select population who read The Mennonite’s email newsletter. The list of reasons for why I didn’t deserve this recognition was long, way too long, much longer than the profound prayer I spoke outside the laundromat.

Being an achievement focused person, I’ve also always had this dark side that tells me I don’t deserve the recognition I receive. I have this unconscious tendency to destroy the things I love or feel most proud of. But going through this process this week of consciously experiencing both sides of the equation—the elation of being proud of something and the darkness of being ashamed of the same thing, then back to being proud—I realized that ultimately it’s up to me to choose to respond graciously to the past two years of work that Our Stories Untold has accomplished.

Since June 2013 I’ve acquired two amazing partners, Barbra Graber and Hilary Jerome Scarsella, eight survivor stories have been posted, over 50 blog posts have, been published, over 88,322 views to the site have occurred, and countless hearts have been challenged and changed, including my own. Through this site I’ve learned to give my whole self to something and I’ve also learned to step back when needed. I’ve exposed myself in terrifying ways, and I’ve received the most incredible heartfelt support because of that vulnerability. And ultimately, I’ve learned that even if I’ve only allowed the space for ONE other person to share their story and to find healing, then it is worth it for that person alone. Other people’s opinions don’t matter, even the positive ones. The only thing that matters is that I continue following my heart and the Divine calling me to places of growth and transformation, even if that means ending this site if it becomes too much. I am truly the only person who can choose to be happy about the work done here.

There were many lessons and opportunities to trust the clarity of my heart and emotions when I chose to begin Our Stories Untold, and these lessons and opportunities continue to show themselves as this site grows. There are many choices in this world that I cannot change. The only thing I can change is my relationship to these choices. I can accept, grow, be empowered, and learn from them. I can choose to be in love with my life, even the mucky bits of it. I can choose to see Spirit in everything. I can choose joy instead of fear and suffering. I can choose to forgive rather than holding others captive of my misery. It didn’t necessarily make intellectual sense to start this blog, but the heart decision to do so was authentic and Divinely driven.

This also applies to your life. It may not make intellectual sense to accept the fact that you were abused, hurt, broken-hearted, ridiculed, shamed. It may not make intellectual sense to choose love rather than anger and pain. But it does make heart sense to acknowledge your relationship to choices, and that you do ultimately have the choice to live your life to the fullest.

Thank you for walking these two years with me. My prayer is that love, forgiveness, and healing continue to happen through the words and raw feelings shared on this website’s pages.