“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. 
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
Rumi

The words of Rumi the Sufi poet have always attracted my mystic mind, and as I reflect on the transition of 2013 to 2014 I’m once again struck by the simple profundity of Rumi’s work, particularly the quote above in relation to the work I’ve been doing with Our Stories Untold. The year 2013 has been filled with massive expansion in my life, particularly in areas of self-growth and awareness, as well as great expansion of this blog.

In April of 2013 I wrote and told my story of childhood sexual abuse at a book store’s “Violence Against Women” open-mic night. Previous to this monumental moment I had never spoken this story out-loud, even to my therapist. Even though I was only three or four at the time of the abuse, I couldn’t help but have feelings of guilt and self-deprecation. Though I created this site as a platform for stories like mine to be shared, I still felt like my own story wasn’t worth sharing because it “wasn’t a big enough deal.” When I told the story at a slumber party in 5th grade I was labeled a liar and took on a lot of shame and guilt that I carried as I aged. That false shame was very hard to overcome and I’m still struggling with unnecessary guilt in my everyday life as a result. Telling my story was a pivotal moment though, and it opened the door to more seemingly miraculous self-discoveries and a profound new love and protection towards myself and my worth in this world.

In July I traveled to Phoenix for the MCUSA Convention, another moment of profound growth for both Our Stories Untold and myself as I was able to connect with many like-minded souls and see a movement in the church towards acknowledgment and reconciliation of sexual abuse. It was at this time that Barbra Graber wrote the Call to Prayer for Sexual Healing in the Mennonite Church, which created a heartfelt desire across the country and even world to commune with Divine Spirits in an effort to bring in healing and light for abuse situations within the Mennonite church and broader connected communities.

Exploring the depths of my mermaid soul. (Drawn after writing this piece while waiting for a plane at the Denver airport)

Later in the summer I stumbled upon Lama Foundation, my new spiritual and physical home, and a place that has opened up a window in my soul and allowed me to grow more into the Divinely spirited and loving person I desire to become. Lama has helped me transition into a place of acknowledging the deep-rooted hate I have carried around and directed towards myself. This dislike for myself typically manifests itself in strong feelings of guilt and verbal abuse, surprisingly often stated out-loud.

Through my current process (attempting to be consciously aware at all times of my thoughts and how I speak to myself, and to spend significant amounts of time in stillness and silence) of befriending my inner judge and deciphering out my true voice of wisdom and love, I have discovered that abuse has not only occurred in my childhood but also throughout my young adult life, starting again with a boyfriend I had when I was 15-years-old. This acknowledgement wasn’t nearly as painful as the first realization of abuse in my life. In fact it was a freeing and joyful moment, though filled with tears, and has since opened a space of deeper healing and self-love in my life.

The feelings of self-hatred and guilt that I mentioned above are classic impacts of childhood sexual abuse and though I’ve fortunately found a healing foundation to work on the side-effects of this abuse, many people suffer these side-effects for entire lifetimes. That is why listening and telling stories, or just sitting in silence, is a vital component to healing and though it’s mucky work to go there, we all need to be open to discover that muck in our own hearts as well as others.

Through these profound transformations in 2013 I have also realized that for as long as I can remember, most likely since the abuse I experienced as a young child, I have carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. Literally! My shoulders ache from the stress and tension I hold, and it increases the more overwhelmed I get from my physical and emotional surroundings. Born with a humanitarian spirit, I unconsciously take on guilt for all that goes wrong on this planet whether I had anything to do with it or not. This has been a blessing as it’s given me a powerful streak of entrepreneurship and positive creation, but it’s also been a curse as that creation has often been made at the expense of my own well-being, or because I’ve felt so much self-dislike that the strongest way I could understand love, and not feel guilt, was through praise of my good deeds and humanitarian progress.

Perhaps most importantly, Our Stories Untold and my personal life were both enriched in 2013 by the relationships and work partnerships built with Barbra Graber and Hilary Scarsella. Both have been tremendous supports in this work and I do not know if I could carry this blog on without their guidance, prayers and kinship. I can’t reiterate enough how blessed I am to receive their generous offers to partner in this capacity.

Jalal ad-Dīn Muhammad Rumi, image from Wikipedia 

Which brings me full circle to Rumi’s quote: My earnest and almost compulsory desire to change the world has shifted slightly in 2013 as I’ve been learning that in changing the world, I must actually change myself first. I need to exhibit the love I desire to show the world to myself before I can ever love anyone else as I desire. Mennonites in general have a strong peace-loving streak imbedded in them, for which I’ve always felt very proud. But at what cost do Mennonites try to save the world? Is it at the cost of our families? Our partners? Friends? Ourselves? I’ve realized I need to save myself first, which includes making seemingly selfish decisions and choosing my needs over others. Once I’ve got that underway I can move on to the bigger stuff.

I’ve found working on this blog quite difficult the past 3 months, which is one tiny reason I’m thankful for my new work partners. I feel as if I’ve entered spiritual school at Lama, and this is my first year of self-growth and exploration. Because of that my energy is being depleted in directions I’ve never explored before, rather than being thrown at this blog. I believe in the mission of this blog, and even more I believe in the growth and expansion of this blog. I trust taking time to focus on my own spiritual growth and self-reflection in 2014 will ultimately make my work in the world.

So even if I do seem like I’m hiding away in this coming year, I welcome you to continue writing stories, blog posts, notes of support, offering donations and ideas. Our Stories Untold has grown into a community of beautiful people and I trust that 2014 will continue bringing in the best out there. Sending my love, light and blessings to you all in this coming year.