I just finished meeting with a mother of three wonderful, young children. She attends the Mennonite church I grew up attending. I asked her to meet with me because I had just found out that she had some level of contact with my cousin; my cousin who abused me for years of my childhood, from such a young age that I can’t even remember up until I was seven. I warned that she should never let her children around him, alone, for any amount of time. I told her that he had abused me and I have no way of knowing whether or not he has done it again to anyone else, or if he would perpetrate again given the opportunity. Is telling her enough?
The fact that there is a familial connection between my abuser and I is part of what is keeping me from taking this to the authorities and going through with trying to get him prosecuted. The facts:
We are related.
We all grew up together.
I was the only girl cousin and the youngest.
He was the oldest. Nine years older.
Our families were so close and were always getting together.
I hid my secret. Once I told my parents, they hid the secret from his parents so that it wouldn’t have to be dealt with. All the family get-togethers continued, and I was the only one in pain every time. The abuse was finally revealed to his parents 5 years later when I was hospitalized before my sophomore year of high school for suicide attempts, cutting and bulimia. We haven’t had any family get-togethers since.
My senior year of high school I told two other mothers who I had a close relationship with; mothers of children I had seen him interacting with. They were thankful to know as they attended the same church I rarely attended, the same church my cousin still attends. I wanted to keep him from ever being around any children again. I told the police during the summer before going into my freshman year of college. They started an investigation. However, without the support of my parents who urged me to deal with it more privately, I stopped giving the detective any information.
In the same week I was raped by an acquaintance in the woods on my college campus. I could barely process that, let alone an investigation that would continue to tear my family apart. My parents did their part in handling it “privately” by telling the pastors of the church. They would keep an eye out and he would not be allowed to take any leadership positions with the youth of the church. Was this enough?
I have been a mother since 2009. My cousin has never met my daughter and I think I would physically hurt him very hard if he even looked at her. So why am I allowing him to look at other children? I feel like a terrible person for not doing more. But is it my responsibility to get him put away? Haven’t I done enough already? I did what I could when I was a child. I survived. I hid under the bed, swam on the opposite end of the pool, locked myself in my closets, refused to let him close the door to my room, changed into different clothes after he was done hoping it would be an obvious warning sign to adults. I survived. I can still feel the fear in my stomach hoping that he wouldn’t touch me or give me “the eyes”. But I survived. Is that enough?
I want to be done with it all. I don’t want to bear the responsibility of keeping others safe from him. But how can I do that without reporting him, going through an entire investigation, time testifying in court, having defense lawyers digging up shit from my past, etc.? I do not want to testify. I do not want to be asked questions. I do not want to pay for a lawyer. I just want him to never hurt anyone again. If I was 100% sure he wasn’t and won’t do anything to hurt anyone, I would not feel the need to do this. My goal isn’t to punish him. Who knows if his dumb mind can even comprehend the meaning the layers of what he did, but regardless, he lives with what he did every day. If I would pursue taking this to the authorities, I would allow him to continue to ruin and take control of my life. And the toll that this would take on me would be unforgettable. My daughter, the utmost important love of my life, would never forget what it would do to me.
Telling my story isn’t grueling. I’ve worked through a lot. I’ve survived. I’m not ashamed that it happened to me. It is part of who I am and has shaped me. I’ve learned to give myself a little credit for the resilience I’ve shown. I had been in regular old talk therapy counseling since 7th grade, pretty much up until half way through my junior year of college. To be honest, I don’t know how all that talk therapy really helped, other than working through it enough to prepare me for EMDR. For the past year, I’ve been doing a therapy called EMDR. This has helped far more than any other treatment I have received.
EMDR = Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. It activates memories of trauma that my brain has stored for safe keeping while also physically wreaking havoc on my body until I am in a strong enough place to remember them. During an EMDR session, these pockets of traumatic memories are brought to light. I see the memories like parts of a movie playing in my mind, bits and pieces at a time; moving from one thing to the next, quickly. It is unreal how the brain works; how the connections are made. During a EMDR session I may cry, twitch, shake, forget to breathe, or furrow my brow while these memories resurface. This is a sign that my body is releasing the trauma. This therapy method allows me to release the emotion attached to the memories and process them logically, because I am no longer in that unsafe place. It is in the past. I am safe now. The first time I did EMDR, we had to stop because my stomach and chest collapsed into my legs. I hyperventilated and sobbed like never before. Afterward, my body felt like I ran a marathon. No joke. It was that intense. It has become much easier and less intense as time goes on. When more memories pop, it is overwhelming and disturbing, but bearable. I know it is helping in the long run. The stronger I can be to face these memories, the greater release I will feel. Any survivor should try it. I have done so much work to come through this. Is that enough?
As for what to do to keep others safe, I’ve been thinking hard about this. I’ve come up with three options:
1. Continue to tell one family at a time if I become aware of any connection between them, their kids and my cousin. This is definitely manageable, but I cannot know of every interaction he has with people.
2. File a report, go through the trauma of court, lawyers, time away from and damage to my daughter, disruptions in my career, and experiencing the immeasurable stress and pain it would cause me and my family again, all the while knowing that there is no guarantee that he would be given any consequences, if there are even any consequences enough to control his actions for the rest of his life.
3. Realize that I cannot control this, him, or what happens. Instead, choose to give control over to the only One who can manage this. Praying that he doesn’t hurt anyone is useless, because God gives us free will. But praying daily that his heart is changed for the sole reason that he will never hurt anyone again is the only solution. I know that I can’t bear the responsibility of keeping others safe. I am only one person, and I have mine and my daughter’s life, health, and happiness to focus on.
Maybe option 3 is selfish. Maybe it is a cop-out. Maybe I am weak. OR, maybe I have done enough by surviving. Option 3, putting it in God’s hands, is the best option for me; the option I must choose each and every day. God is strong enough to handle this and I believe that s/he would be relieved to see me released of this burden. God is enough to change his heart so that he will never hurt anyone again; God is enough to free me of this feeling of responsibility that is far too great for one person. Thank you, God, for being enough.